Marks Are Rising. Why Is Emotional Strength Falling?

In many Telugu homes today, conversations about children increasingly revolve around marks, coaching centres, college admissions, jobs, and opportunities abroad. Parents are working hard and sacrificing a lot because they want their children to have a better life than they had.

Across Andhra Pradesh and Telangana, education is not just about learning. For many families, it represents security, respect, and hope for the future. But alongside this aspiration, another reality is growing. Our children are becoming smarter and more skilled but many are also becoming more anxious, fearful and emotionally lonely.

Almost every week, we hear painful news about students unable to cope with pressure, disappointment, or fear about the future. Recent NCRB data continues to show worrying levels of student suicides across India, including in Telangana and Andhra Pradesh. Behind every number is a young person who slowly began to feel trapped, hopeless, ashamed, or alone. This is not because today’s youth are weak nor is it because parents don't care.

In many homes, parents wake children up early, arrange tuition, prepare meals, worry about fees, and constantly think about their future. Children also see this sacrifice. Sometimes that love slowly becomes pressure for both sides. Somewhere along the way, marks, ranks, salaries, and jobs have become closely tied to self-worth.

Many young people now feel:

“If I fail, my life is over.”

“If I disappoint my parents, I have no value.”

“If others move ahead of me, I am falling behind.”

Growing up in places like Anantapur, many of us learned the importance of hard work, discipline, and persistence. Those values are still important today. Competition is real. Good jobs are not easy to get. We cannot pretend otherwise. But fear alone cannot build strong human beings.

Confidence does not come only from marks, coaching classes, or motivational talks. It grows slowly when children feel supported, trusted, and emotionally safe even during difficulty. In many homes today, coaching is increasing. Monitoring is increasing. Expectations are increasing. But calm conversations are decreasing. In many families, children are taught how to study, compete, and behave. But they are rarely taught how to handle fear, disappointment, jealousy, confusion, or loneliness. Many boys especially grow up believing they should silently tolerate emotional pain. Over time, emotions that are never spoken about do not disappear. They become stress, anger, withdrawal, or hopelessness.

Children often hear:

“Don’t fail.”

“Look at your cousin.”

“What will people say?”

“You are wasting your future.”

Parents usually say these things out of concern. But when fear and comparison become constant, children slowly begin to believe that love and respect depend only on success. A child feels valued only when succeeding becomes emotionally fragile during failure. This is one of the hidden problems of our time.

Recently, I spoke to a student who had scored well by normal standards but was afraid to go home because relatives would ask why he did not score a higher rank. Another young person said the silence at home after exam results felt heavier than the marks themselves.

Many students today are carrying invisible emotional burdens while appearing normal on the outside. Previous generations also faced hardship and competition but today’s young people face something different. Comparison never stops. Through phones and social media, students constantly see others’ marks, jobs, lifestyles, achievements, and relationships. Even ordinary setbacks begin to feel public and permanent. Many silently start believing that everyone else is happier, smarter, or more successful than they are.

Out of love, many parents try to protect children from every difficulty. They solve problems quickly, manage every detail, and try to remove discomfort from their children’s lives. But emotional strength develops differently. Children become stronger when they face manageable difficulties with support — not when they are constantly pressured or completely protected.

Some families create a different atmosphere at home. Children hear:

“Work hard.”

“Mistakes happen.”

“Learn and move forward.”

“We are with you even when things go wrong.”

Children raised in such homes are often more steady and confident. Fear does not completely control their thinking. They recover faster after setbacks.

Supporting children does not mean lowering standards or becoming soft. Discipline is important. Hard work is important. Responsibility is important. In fact, emotional steadiness often helps children perform better over the long term. But support also matters. When effort is combined with encouragement, children usually become mentally stronger. Fear reduces. Clarity improves. Even their studies improve because the mind is less crowded with anxiety and shame.

Today, loneliness is also becoming a serious problem among youth. Many students are constantly online but emotionally alone. Some live away from home in hostels or coaching centres. Others feel they cannot openly speak to parents because they do not want to worry or disappoint them. Sometimes a single caring conversation can reduce a young person’s hopelessness more than we realize.

Parents do not need to become psychologists. But every child needs at least one person with whom they can speak without fear. Our society still has strengths that should not be forgotten. Telugu families often remain connected compared to many parts of the world. Grandparents, relatives, neighbours, teachers, and family friends can still play an important role in supporting young people. A caring teacher, an understanding uncle, a patient grandparent, or a trusted older sibling can sometimes help a child regain hope during difficult periods.

As families, we may need to ask different questions.

Not only: “How many marks did you get?”

But also:

“How are you feeling?”

“What is worrying you these days?”

“Who do you talk to when you feel stressed?”

“What helps you recover after disappointment?”

Young people also have responsibility. A failed exam, lost opportunity, or temporary setback should not become the end of hope. Asking for help is not weakness. Speaking to trusted friends, teachers, relatives, mentors, or counsellors can make a huge difference. Our children need ambition. They need discipline. They need opportunities. But they also need homes where mistakes do not become humiliation, where comparison does not become constant pressure, and where they know they will not lose love and dignity during difficult times.

A short evening walk together, one calm conversation after exam results, eating one meal together without phones, listening without immediately giving advice — these small moments often build more confidence than we realize. If we want emotionally strong children, we cannot focus only on marksheets. We must also pay attention to the emotional atmosphere in which those marks are being earned.

(The author Prasad Kaipa is the CEO of the Kaipa Group in California and co-author of the book From Smart to Wise: Acting and Leading with Wisdom published by Jossey Bass in 2013.)