'I Do’ But Living Separately: Why More Couples Choose To Live Apart Together, LAT

The traditional and romantic view of marriage is about "living together forever". However, 21st-century couples have redefined the concept of togetherness with Living Apart Together, LAT. Living Apart Together means being in a committed romantic relationship, but choose to live in separate places. In Living Apart Together (LAT), “apart” relates to living not under the same roof all the time, while “together” refers to emotional closeness. The traditional setups are changing. The idea of lasting relationships and lifelong commitment has evolved to one of comfort and mutual respect. If marriage is about leading life together, some couples decide to live apart yet be together. This doesn't mean that they are in a long-distance relationship but living in separate homes while being in the same committed marriage.

What Does Living Apart Together, LAT Mean?

The concept of LAT is to maintain a romantic relationship and separate homes indefinitely. LAT living situations vary – some couples live in different apartments in the same building or on opposite sides of a neighborhood. Others live in entirely different cities or even states. A lot of couples choose to live apart together intentionally and believe this setup improves their relationship or marriage.

As per NPL data, the percentage of married couples who decided to live apart grew by more than 40 percent between 2000 and 2022. This is common among elderly women. Research from a UK household study notes that older couples who decided to live in separate places have experienced better mental health. It is also the most likely type of relationship for the over-60s, with these couples being 10 times more likely to opt for LAT situations than traditional living arrangements.

"The reason why couples choose to live in different homes is that couples want to redefine their closeness on their own terms. Unlike traditional relationships, they want to give priority to themselves and don't want to choose obligation," says Deepali Singh, a Relationship coach and a Clinical Psychologist. Family Therapist Richa Shukla agrees that many couples believe that physical distance actually helps strengthen emotional intimacy, "because they are choosing presence over obligation. They believe commitment is about shared values and a conscious decision to stay connected."

Over the last two decades, couples living apart together have been on the rise, with 3.89 million Americans living apart from their spouses, according to 2021 Census data. In India, LAT is a growing phenomenon, especially among urban, educated couples. Reasons? Career aspirations, a desire for personal space and independence, and changing gender norms, particularly for women. While the trend is newer in India than in the West, studies indicate increasing prevalence, with many couples finding it a way to maintain a committed relationship while pursuing individual goals.

This trend shows that the shape of long-term partnerships is changing. More and more couples are willing to change their living arrangements to save their relationships. "Space can be a form of love when partners respect each other's individuality. The relationship often becomes more resilient with these adjustments," says Shukla. "For them, distance or absence of the partner is not a threat to their love, but a way of preserving their respect and desire," she adds.

LAT is not a Long-Distance Relationship

While both concepts involve partners living in separate homes, they are entirely different arrangements. LAT couples usually make the intentional decision to live apart from one another, a living situation that they agree will improve their relationship. However, with long-distance relationships, there is usually an external factor that prevents both individuals within the union from living in the same space. They are geographically separated due to career, work, or family circumstances. For that reason, they meet up less frequently than LAT couples and aren’t as embedded in one another’s social circles.

"For some couples, separate homes create the foundation of togetherness; they keep the relationship fresh, intentional, and alive," says Relationship Coach Singh.

Why is LAT trending?

With the changing dynamics of relationships and marriages, couples are now choosing the LAT model because it keeps the relationship fresh and happening. Many people get tired of their partners and feel less excited about them when they are together all the time. For some, it’s about practical considerations like someone wanting to live and work in a different part of town or another city. Others find that the separation allows them to focus on the types of activities, daily schedules, favorite meals, or amounts of socialising that suit them, rather than always having to factor their partner’s needs into the equation. It can also reduce the amount of fighting over who does what when it comes to keeping the house, which can eliminate tensions that can build into resentments big enough to end the relationship.

The LAT model because it keeps the relationship fresh and happening (Representational Image) (Getty Images)

Living apart also allows partners to make financial decisions on their own means and live a lifestyle that they feel fiscally comfortable with. Some couples may choose to live apart due to demands from their respective careers. Whatever the case, there are several reasons and situations why some couples prefer separate living, and they are valid. "This trend is proof that marriage is evolving from a rigid institution into a flexible partnership that prioritises well-being," says Dr Sudha Verma, counseling Psychologist and mental health coach.

Why LAT May Fail?

Though the idea of LAT is promising and experts are lauding it, there are many challenges to this trend. Some of them are social stigma, communication, and emotional distance. When a couple lives apart, their neighbours and relatives jump in to ask those classic regressive questions, 'Why aren't you two living together?' 'Is everything alright between you two? ', or the balcony whispers, 'their relationship must be struggling, or worse, 'maybe she or he has an affair'.

These are harsh questions, but they are real! Another challenge for choosing LAT is that couples can face issues with daily interactions, feelings of loneliness, and the effort required to coordinate time together. In some cases, some partners feel emotionally disconnected when living without their partner.

"That's funny because marriage is about staying together and celebrating each other's successes and failures. It's about companionship rather than being selfish. Yes, mutual respect, equal opportunities and support from both partners is important, but why to get married if the couple has to stay separately? One can just continue with a distant relationship rather than getting into a marriage," opines Mumbai-based Rahul Jain, a banker by profession and married for 17 years.

Gupta counters, saying that it's not about escaping each other, "but about sustaining a bond where both partners can breathe, grow, and return to each other with renewed energy."

An Idea That Challenges Traditional Marriage Set Up

Clearly, the LAT relationship has both sides of opinion. Growing together in marriage is changing into individual growth, and rather than celebrating together, it is about celebrating individual life. For some, it may help, but in the larger picture, a marriage with living apart (unless the situation demands it) is a complicated new fad that suits those who prioritise their personal freedom and desires over commitment and shared obligations.

Though, it is not wrong, but tough for the generation that grew up seeing strong marital bonds that often lead to a positive outlook on lifelong relationships that they view as an asset in their own relationships. The LAT relationship requires a great deal of trust, communication, and planning. It takes time and energy to maintain the balance between freedom and responsibility while living apart.

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