‘Shaadi Kab Karoge?’ Is The Most Loaded Question In Indian Families; How To Deal With It Smartly
Setting boundaries is not about rejecting parents' love, it is about protecting your emotional health and ensuring that you marry when you are ready
Published : May 17, 2025 at 5:09 PM IST
Marriage is one of the milestones that you achieve in India, for you are "settled" once you marry. However, it's not the same for everyone. While many would choose to marry at the socially desired "right age", others may have different ambitions in life, and marriage could be the last thing they want. The struggle between marrying at the right age and ambition is constant, for your biological clock and career clock never go simultaneously, one or the other will suffer. But when parents start putting pressure to get married, that too when you are just not ready for any commitment and in the middle of building your career, it becomes overwhelming. Adding to that, parents sometimes use emotional blackmail to push you toward marriage before you feel ready. It can come in the form of guilt-tripping, constant reminders, or even subtle threats about their disappointment. This kind of pressure can make you feel trapped, anxious, unheard, and misunderstood.
Relationship expert Shweta Khajanchi says parental pressure is mostly emotional. "It's important to know these patterns to protect your own emotional well-being. You may feel guilty, scared, or obliged before you muster the courage of saying 'no' as you will feel selfish and disloyal when you take a decision that your parents are not aligned with," says Khajanchi.
The Weight of Parental Pressure
In many cultures in India, marriage is not a personal decision but a family affair that comes with social implications. Parents insist on marriage as a way to secure their child's future and as a family honour. This secure future is also not guaranteed, still, parents shy away from investing in their children's personal growth. "Parents need to understand that when the timing or choice doesn't align with the child's readiness or desire, it becomes overwhelming for children and they live with constant stress and anxiety," says Khajanchi.
A few statements that are commonly used by parents can sound like, "We sacrificed so much for you, how can you ignore us now?" "If you don't marry soon, what will the neighbours think? We are getting old, and who will take care of you (in case of a girl), and who will take care of us if you don't settle down (in case of a boy)?" Most of us have heard that, politely but heavily wrapped under pressure. These comments, Ashka Patel, a counselling psychologist, says, create a pressure cooker of emotions. "The constant push can lead to self-doubt and feeling trapped between personal desires and family expectations."
On the other hand for parents, Patel says it's the feeling of resentment, and anxiety in parents which eventually damages the relationship between the child and parents. "When these emotional tactics don't work or when the child disregards it, there is an emotional distance between the two," says Patel.
Both Genders are On the Radar
If you think this pressure is more for women, our parents are here to prove all of us wrong. Men face the same amount of pressure. Pankaj Kumar, a 28-year-old banker, is tired of responding to her mother's constant pressure to get married. "I am their second child. My brother got married when he was 25 and has two children, but I have different expectations from life. My parents are like Your marriage is our happiness. I am not ready for marriage, and I feel that I am disappointing them, especially my mother," says Kumar.
Vinati Jain, a hospitality professional in Mumbai, is 27 years old and desires to build her career in the same industry. She moved to Mumbai to avoid the constant pressure of marriage from her parents. "I want to focus on my career, but my parents are like 'your marriage is our family's reputation.' It was like being caught between respect for parents and my dreams. I am now convinced that I am going to get married because the pressure is too much. I am not ready, but I will get married as soon as they find a suitable boy for me," says Jain.
Surprisingly, it's not only parents but your relatives, family friends, and even an Uber driver would not shy away from asking you, "Shaadi Kab Karoge" (When are your getting married). "I was on an Uber ride and the driver in his 60s casually asked me when am I going to get married. He made it sound like matrimony was a random household chore. I felt my personal boundary was over stepped by a stranger who had met me exactly ten minutes before," recalls K Fernandes.
Tips to Manage Calm and Navigate Emotional Pressure
Navigating parental emotional blackmail and pressure requires resilience and clear communication. Here are some practical tips to manage the emotional strain.
Set and Communicate Your Boundaries
It is good that you express your feelings honestly and tell your parents your timeline. Counselling Psychologist Patel suggests convincing parents by telling them that you understand their concern but you are not ready emotionally and financially to get married. This will help your parents understand your decision.
Understand Emotional Blackmail and Detach Yourself
Guilt and threat are manipulative tactics, used by many parents, consciously or subconsciously. But know that that's not a reflection of what you are and what your love is for your family. Try to recognise the signs and detach yourself emotionally and respond calmly.
Use the 'I' Statement to Express Your Feelings
Don't be defensive when faced with this situation. Try to be calm and respond politely. For instance, you may say, "I feel overwhelmed when the topic of marriage comes up." This will make your parents take a step back.
Focus on Personal Goals
You may feel distracted and disappointed when the topic of your marriage pops up out of nowhere, but it is important to keep sight of your own plans. Whether it is education, career, or personal growth, remind yourself why you want to wait for marriage. This will help you navigate through your emotional turbulence.
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